Why I have an artificial tree.
Fulfilling our age-old tradition, I and my husband Kenneth, our two daughters, one son, and our faithful dog Todo set out on the Saturday after Thanksgiving to find a Christmas Tree. No, not just any tree, but the perfect tree. Did I say that we did this every year? Yes, yes we did.
We would pull on our Santa hats and our red long sleeve shirts that proudly stated “Doing it Christmas style” emblazoned on the front, load up into our Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser and make our trek to the forest for our search. Todo would lead the way running and jumping joyfully in the freedom of the forest.
Well, actually it wasn’t a forest. We had stopped going to the forest several years ago when we were greeted by a black bear and her large cubs who didn’t take well to us cutting down their trees. Suffice it to say, we deleted the forest from out Christmas tree list. Now we were content to visit our local tree farm, at least it was outdoors.
This year the weather gods were against us. It snowed last night, and today it was cold. The kind of cold where you could see your breath in the air like puffs of cigarette smoke. Todo woofed and headed out to disappear in the rows of trees. Jamie crawled out of the car pulling her jacket tight around her and walked up to the tree closest to the car. “Here’s one.” She huffed. We all stared at her. “Ah no fair,” Michele whined. “I was supposed to pick the tree this year.”
Christopher walked over and looked up at the tree. “Jamie, don’t you think it’s a little tall?” he asked.
“Nope,” she said thru chattering teeth, ”it’s the one.”
“No, No, No,” Michele squealed. She took off running after Todo.
Chris and Jamie trudged back to the car. Chris agreed with Jamie. There was no need to waste a whole afternoon freezing.
Ken got out his ax. I sighed, and we headed after Michele. We followed her up and down every aisle looking at each tree carefully and giving it a full critique before heading to the next one. As the afternoon passed, we eventually came to the end of an aisle, and there stood Michele smiling. This must be it. We looked at each other.
“This is it,” Michele boasted happily, her face flushed with cold and excitement.
Kenneth cut the tree. When it fell, we both noticed the station wagon sitting right behind it. Jamie and Chris were staring at us. Yes, I know. It was the very tree they had found when we first got here. But oh well, it looked much better after the hunt. Kenneth dragged the tree over, and we all helped him shove it on top of the car, where he tied it securely.
* * *
OK, first hurdle over with, now the war begins. Kenneth dragged the tree off the car, and we both looked at it. It was too tall and too wide. It was going to be a squeeze getting it into the house.
This is where the war always starts. Guess that’s why we do this on Saturday so we can go to church on Sunday and ask forgiveness. Kenneth and I neither one are very patient when it comes to the Tree.
I’m cutting it here.” Kenneth said pointing halfway up the tree.
“No that’s too much.”
“No, it’s not. See look at this.” He grabbed a branch and waved it at me.
“No, it’s going to be too short.”
“When you put it in the stand it’s going to be tall enough.”
“How can you say that? It will definitely be too short.”
“There now see it’s not too short,” he said as he hacked off the bottom of the tree.
“But the branches are too low. It won’t stand up in the tree stand.”
“We just cut off the branches,” Kenneth said hacking them off.
“Stop that. Look what you did; now it’s lopsided.”
“Are you kidding me? It’s not lopsided. It’s perfect,” he said, standing the tree up and tilting it.
“Yeah, sure, I guess if I had one leg shorter than the other you would say that too,” I said, leaning sideways for effect.
“Stop making fun of the tree,” Kenneth said, his face contorted into a frown. Actually, I think he was trying not to laugh.
“I don’t need to make fun of it. It looks ridiculous.”
Kenneth threw the tree down.
“OK, Miss perfect. You fix it.”
“I can’t. There is nothing left of it.”
“Mary, I didn’t cut off that much. Go get the tree stand and I’ll show you.”
I retrieved the stand, and he set the tree in it. “Now hold the tree so I can tighten the screws.
“OK.” I grabbed the tree. As I was standing there waiting, I noticed a spider advancing toward my face. I screamed and ran. The tree fell over on Kenneth.
“Whoa, what was that about?” He was flat on his back under the tree.
“Spider,” I said.
“Oh good, for a minute there I was afraid there was a demon in the tree. “
“No, ’cause he’s currently under the tree.”
Kenneth heaved the tree off, and it knocked me down. He stood up, and I climbed to my feet and kicked the tree.
“Stop kicking it you’re going to destroy it.”
“Just take off a couple more branches, that will do it.”
“What?”
“Destroy it.”
He grabbed the ax and started chopping branches.
“What are you doing?” I yelled at him
“Destroying it like you said,” he yelled back.
“Are you crazy? Stop! You’re hurting the tree.”
“What? Are you nuts? You can’t hurt that tree, it’s already dead.”
“No, it’s not. See, it’s still green, or the part with branches is.”
“We killed it when we cut it down, dummy.”
I looked at him then I started to cry. “WE KILLED IT.” I wailed.
“Stop it, it won’t bring the tree back,” Kenneth muttered.
“No, no, you’re right. It’s done for.” I sniffed.
Three hours and 150$ later we left the Wal-mart parking lot with an artificial tree stuffed in our trunk.
Merry Christmas Everybody.
Mary Clayton Writing 