Why I didn’t send any Christmas cards this year.
Well, it all started out simple enough. Today I had only one thing to do, and that was to sit down and address my Christmas cards. I mean what could go wrong?
I had my cup of coffee and my address book and my Christmas cards. Ok, I needed a pen to write with. Wouldn’t you know it, the only pens I found were out of ink? Well, I guess I need to run to Wal-Mart for an ink pen.
I grabbed my purse and reached for my car keys, that are always on the hook by the back door. What no keys? I looked everywhere. I searched my jacket pockets. I tore thru the dirty laundry.
“Alexi” I yelled “add Fabreeze to my shopping list”. I heard her respond something but I couldn’t hear what she said. Sounded like “It’s about time, you must be nose dead.”
I dug until I found the pair of jeans I had been wearing. No keys, crap. I dumped my purse three times before the keys suddenly appeared on the counter in front of me. I grabbed them and ran for the door.
Halfway to Wal-mart, I realized that I still had on my furry kitty house shoes. “Oh well, its Wal-Mart, I said to myself, who would notice?
OK, note to self: Never go to Wal-Mart this close to Christmas. The lot was full and I had to park around by the garden supplies. I went in the garden supply door and tried to think where the ink pens would be. I stopped one of the sales people who was rushing by. She danced nervously, waiting for my question.
“Where are the ink pens?” I asked. She looked at me and frowned.
“They should be with office or school supplies.” She answered.
“Uh, where would that be,” I asked somewhat embarrassed.
“Come with me,” she groaned, grabbing my arm and dragging me into the deep recesses of the store.
She lead me through the crowded aisles, expertly dodging carts and Christmas clad shoppers and screaming children, begging for more, just one more present, please. She made a sharp detour down one aisle, as we were confronted by several, short Darth Vader look-a-likes and one Wookie.
It was noisy. It was chaotic. It reminded me of trying to get out of Bud Walton Arena after a Razorback win, when you were sitting in the cheap seats.
I kept looking back as the mini Darth Vaders started following us, swinging their little plastic light sabers and yelling something about the force and being someone’s father.
The clerk continued to drag me up one aisle and down another. We were still being pursued by mini Vader’s, and now a little girl, dressed like Princess Leah with those big round ear phones on her head, was following after us, yelling. “Daddy, Daddy, Luke is looking for you.”
As I was looking back at our entourage, I suddenly ran into something soft. I bounced backwards, and gloved hands kept me from falling on my butt.
“Ho, Ho, Ho little lady.”
Oh, good grief. I had just run into Santa Claus.
“Have you been a good little girl?” he asked, and chuckled when he looked down at my kitty shoes.
“Uh,” I stuttered eloquently.
Suddenly, the mini Vaders started beating on me with their light sabers while the little Princess Leah stood with her hands on her hips and glared at me.
“You ran into Santa Claus,” she accused. “Don’t you know you could’a hurt him and messed up Christmas?”
“Go away.” I said trying not to laugh.
The clerk was standing there tapping her foot again. “Let’s go.” And off we went. This time followed by the mini Vader’s, the bratty Princess Leah and a very jolly Santa Claus.
We had also picked up some kids dressed as power Rangers and a lady pushing a cart full of hatchables. I never could understand the fascination for those things. I mean after they hatch what then?
We came to a stop halfway down the clothing aisle. Several ladies were looking at Christmas sweaters. While we patiently waited, I heard one lady tell the others. “My husband said when he died he wanted to be buried in the Wal-mart parking lot.”
One of the other ladies looked at her. “Why ever would he want to do that?” she asked.
“He said so I would come visit him.” Everyone started laughing.
Even Santa was laughing. “Novel idea.” he said.
The ladies made their choices and started on down the aisle toward the checkout lines. The clerk, me, the mini Vaders, bratty Princess Leah, Santa and the Hatchable lady trailed along behind. We had apparently lost the power rangers. They must have been called to save the world.
Suddenly, the clerk jerked me out of line and pulled me down the greeting card aisle. And oh heck, here’s the thing. I love greeting cards. I grabbed one that said ‘Merry Christmas from all the Otter Reindeer’ with a picture of three otters with antlers on their heads. I started giggling.
Santa was looking over my shoulder. “Ho, Ho, Ho. That’s a good one.” Then he handed me one that said, “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Getting in the spirit, I responded “Ho! Ho! Ho!”. One of the mini darth Vaders, promptly swatted me.
“Why don’t you go find a death star or something to destroy?” I asked.
He ran off screaming that I was trying to take Santa to the dark side.
We continued our desperate march down the aisle and I grabbed a couple of bags of chocolates as we swept by the next display.
Bratty Princess Leah yelled “You better pay for those.” I made a face at her, and Santa frowned at me.
OK, OK, I had just about had enough. “Don’t you need to be somewhere, Like the North Pole?” I asked Santa.
“I detect an attitude here,” he said pulling out his notebook and writing something down.
“Well I guess you won’t be bringing me anything for Christmas.” I yelled.
Everyone within earshot stared at me. Then for some reason, they all looked at my kitty house shoes. I turned beet red.
The clerk must have taken pity on me. She handed me her pen and grabbed the candy and stuffed it in Santa arms. We made a mad dash to the front of the store followed by the usual crowd. “Just take mine and go!” the clerk shouted when we reached the door.
As I started outside, I heard a thundering stampede of feet behind me. The mini Vaders and the Bratty Princess were joined by the power rangers. They were all running after me and they all had paint ball guns.
By the time I pulled out of the car wash, after spending several hours washing the paint off my car, it was starting to get dark. So when I got home, I poured myself a large glass of wine and sat down to address those cards.
You guessed it. The pen the clerk gave me ran out of ink just as I wrote Jamie and D…
May everyone have a happy heart for Christmas and may it stay all year long.
Mary & Kenneth & Molly Molie Clayton
Now, let me tell you about why I didn’t make any cookies for Christmas`
Mary Clayton Writing 